A shade of jealousy

A not entirely light shade of jealousy of people who have family that they look forward to visiting or going home to, who receive care packages in college, whose siblings are not more of a stranger than virtually any passerby on any street, or whose family care so much that they post pleasantries on Facebook walls to the extent that they are a source of embarrassment and induce apologies from said people. Of course, I'm simultaneously very happy for them, and hope they maintain that closeness with family through their lives.

And, I refuse to become one of those distant parents, should I ever become one.

People have asked me why I procrastinate on buying tickets home so much, and they tell me that I should buy them ASAP because they get expensive. Thanks, I appreciate it, but if you don't think I know that you are severely underestimating my common sense. Last time I went home, I spoke maybe 40 words to my sister over 4 days. I found cases of alcohol in the fridge. I spent two hours the night of Thanksgiving after dinner looking at the asset-splitting spreadsheet my mom's divorce lawyer sent her, translating instructions from her lawyer and helping her understand how to fill out the spreadsheet because I did accounting for DECA. As much as I care about my mom, if she's contacting me even while I'm away at college, she will inevitably ask me to help her look at that kind of stuff back home, and that's not my idea of relaxation. Especially not compared to lazy days at a place like Stanford.

5 Love Languages Again

So basically I'm making my dormmates take personality tests yay!

I took the 5 Love Languages test again, and got more or less the same results as before.

2 Words of Affirmation
11 Quality Time
2 Receiving Gifts
6 Acts of Service
9 Physical Touch

As far as the SLOAN test goes, my closest friend here is SCOAN and my favorite RA's type is RCOAN. Yup.

How I found my passion

This occurred to me and I wanted to write this down in case I forget it when I'm fully awake later today. I think I might've used this in a college essay anyway. Maybe historians or biographers will one day try to document my life and trace my career back to this notion and quote me on it. I wouldn't mind being quoted on this.

How to find your passion: read Wikipedia articles any time you come across them until you find something that makes you browse related link after related link. That's where your passion lies.

My passion: social psychology. It started with a link to the Milgram Experiment that I got from a friend who in turn received the link from a Scandinavian hermit on Omegle back in sophomore year. Since then, Stanford Prison Experiment, Zimbardo, Hofling Hospital Experiment, and so on and so forth. I even wrote my EE on the extent to which social psychology experiments of the 60s and 70s can be used to justify Nazi behavior in WWII.

Alternate, far less noble passion: romcom actors and actresses...

Stanford so far

This past Wednesday, I went back to Interlake to visit friends and teachers. Some of the interactions I had today were downright appalling. Others were simply incredibly thought provoking. The highlights, some of which are arguably lowlights:

• Mr. D-: I walked in on his gifted junior government class on an exam day, so while he was passing out scantrons and exams he offered the class a chance to ask me questions about college. He framed it as "a rare opportunity to talk to someone who just came out of your program [the gifted program] and is at a college that some people might consider decent." He himself posed the question "If you could go back and tell yourself one thing first semester junior year [the age of the class I was in], what would it be and why?" I couldn't answer it immediately, but I came back 5 minutes from the end of class and after a good amount of reflection, I decided it was to read more non-fiction. Not necessarily from books, but from blogs, newspapers, anywhere I could find anything that interests me. I then made the claim: "If you don't know what to write for a college essay, you have not read enough." In retrospect, I don't know if I agree with that, but it sounds good.
• Mr. D- and I both came to the conclusion that even though the enrollment in CS106 courses are up 1100/year in the last 4 years at Stanford, as per Mehran, we're not actually achieving what the American economy truly needs. When pundits say we need more people in STEM jobs, they mean for colleges to crank out more engineering and science majors, but honestly we're just creating another labor source that requires immense training. Talented, but still a mindless labor force. It's unnerving that there is such an elitism surrounding the culture of techies and condescension towards fuzzies, because as far as I'm concerned in no job will you not benefit from being well-rounded and educated in not only the technical details but also leadership, communication, and rhetorical skills, for instance. I am damn proud to be a fuckie, and we need more people who will embrace both dimensions of intellect to actually transform our economic landscape.
• Mr. C-: He asked me to describe my Interlake experience in one word. I said "limiting." In spite of having an internship built into my senior year, in spite of IB being offered in sophomore and junior year such that I'd have my diploma in hand when I applied to college, in spite of over 10 AP classes being offered, in spite of a student population in which 49 languages and all major religions were represented, I said limiting. What? Looking back, I can immediately see why he was so shocked, because I clearly took a lot for granted. However, I definitely still stand by my choice, because the homogeneity of the gifted program, and my being too ignorant and naive and complacent to expand my horizons to interact with others beyond the gifted program meant I had a very lopsided worldview throughout my last 7 years, and coming to Stanford opened my eyes wide. Very, very wide. In fact, I know Asians are supposed to be a minority, but I've never actually felt like a minority until today, when we took a gas stop at Vancouver, WA, and also back in the dorm when a lot of the Asian snacks were totally foreign, and being able to speak fluent Mandarin is considered exotic.
• At the same time, Mr. C- also pointed out that there were easily a lot of people impressed by what I accomplished in high school. I never thought about it this way, since a large number of people seemed to have fantastic internships, and go off to amazing schools. Huge culture shock.
• I told S-, A-, and P- that they were boring. They were among some of my closer friends back in Washington, but honestly their ability to fuel thought-provoking, exciting, intellectually stimulating conversations pale to a degree that I never imagined compared to those at Stanford. Don't get me wrong, they're not any less intelligent than Stanford kids (you get into PRISM by passing an IQ threshold after all), but rather their collective experiences are just far more underwhelming and far less diverse, to no fault of their own.

These last two months have easily been the best two months of my life so far. Maybe it's just relative to my last two years these months have been monumentally better, but I don't think so. Being surrounded by people who are genuinely excited and take pride in being intellectual is a fantastic experience. That doesn't even happen in all institutions of higher education, but merely the higher caliber colleges. I have never been around so many people intrinsically motivated to learn--not necessarily for a higher salary, or because their parents demanded it, but those can be factors too--than here. And when glimmers of this abundance of and yet still thirst for knowledge show up even in everyday activities like movies, or music nights, or small talk over meals, it is simply intoxicating. I've got to say that must be the reason Stanford on the whole, academics or otherwise, have been great.

(Oh, did I mention my dormmates are incredible? There are people in everywhere on the relationship closeness continuum of acquaintances to familial with a hint of romantic...)

Soul Mate!

I have so much to talk about and I don't know where to start so I'm just going to put off talking about it. Instead...

I can so sympathize.

Source: http://www.loadingartist.com/2012/11/19/soul-mate/

Premature Celebration

So I had thought cancer would no longer play a significant role in my life anymore after my mom's treatment. I was dead wrong.

Today, my elementary school friend M- and I conversed for the first time in a long time. 7 years ago, we and two other friends were inseparable. Older classmates called us the Three Stooges and Larry. We played at recess, sang in the same choir, among other things we did together. Even though I moved after fifth grade, and Michigan elementaries last through sixth grade, they still included me in the Webster Class of 2006 group and I was invited to their reunion.

Through M-, I found out that one of the Three Stooges, I-, was diagnosed with brain cancer. He had been hospitalized about a month and a half ago, and they found a tumor just 15 days ago. Two weeks and he was gone. He's still on life support but he's already entered a vegetative state, and his parents gave the okay to pull the plug, and are making adjustments to their lives as if he's passed. As much as Hollywood makes miracles look like everyday happenings, it's looking grim. Rest in peace, Ian. You were one of the nicest people I knew then, and that 7 years have passed that we've scarcely maintained contact yet I still feel this overwhelming shock and grief is a true testament to the strength of the friendship we had.

http://www.schrader-howell.com/sitemaker/sites/Schrad1/obit.cgi?user_id=784467

It puts a lot of things in perspective. There are so many people whose existence I honestly take for granted. I don't keep in touch with them nearly enough, but I would be devastated should something happen to them. It makes me think about whether I'd die happy if I, like Ian, were to go before 20. Death and mortality has not been such a personal reality since my grandmother's passing, and at the time I was too young to really introspect after the tsunami of sorrow was over. I certainly feel far more mature compared to my 4th or 5th grade self back then.

Cancer-Free!

My mom is cancer-free! Her surgery was a few days ago, and the cancer cells have all been removed as of Tuesday!