I am so ashamed of myself. Today was my mom's birthday. I remembered it yesterday, but today it wasn't until I was writing the date on the notes I was taking in math section that I remembered it again. I set an alarm for myself to remind myself to write an email to my mom wishing her a happy birthday.
An email?! M- fucking flew back home to surprise his mom on her birthday. Granted, he lives in California, but an email. What the hell is wrong with me?
I ended up calling my mom (go me), deciding that an email totally does not do my mom justice. I was deathly afraid of having a conversation with her, because what could I talk about? She didn't know anything about the classes I'm taking, the clubs I'm in, the job I got, or most of the people I interact with. I don't know how anything about how life back in Washington is. Sure I can hold my own against professors or employers, but not my mom. It was the first time I've called her this quarter, and the third time since coming to Stanford.
She picked up before the first dial tone was over.
I wished her a happy birthday. She said thanks and asked how school is. I told her it was midterm season. She told me to stay healthy and not be too worried about school. Meanwhile, she's leaving for Washington D.C. to report on some event. Since we were on the topic of job stuff, I told her about the FPS job I had gotten more than four months ago. She very defensively insisted that I do not take on a job until summer because she wants me not to have so much to worry about, and said that even if I don't get a job they'll still find a way to pay for my tuition. I told her not to worry, and then asked her how the divorce stuff was coming along. She said the only thing that's left in the paperwork is splitting up the debt my parents borrowed from my paternal grandparents when we were buying our house. All the assets they owned has already been split. She's already signed a contract for renting out a 2-bedroom apartment (for when my sister comes home) and is moving out by February 15th, and that they've already signed another contract to rent out our home and furniture to another family, and that they'll be moving in March 1st. She told me if there's anything I need to spend money on, I shouldn't be afraid to do so because she will send me more money if I need it, even if my dad refuses to. She said that I should resign immediately from my job if balancing that with academics is too much, and if I'm struggling with academics I shouldn't worry because health comes first, and even if I lose some of the merit scholarships I'm on she'll find some way to make up for it.
But let's be honest here. I've looked at the prices of apartments in the Bellevue/Renton/Redmond area, and I also know my mom's salary. There is no way in hell she'll be able to make ends meet with her salary alone, and her alimony provisions won't last forever. I, her son that was actually seriously considering to just send a fucking email for her birthday, do not deserve to be spoiled like this. I absolutely need to find a job (beyond the FPS one) ASAP. Especially with the house rental now frighteningly real, the urgency is greater than ever.
At any rate, I'm glad I ended up calling her today. Didn't know she was getting on a plane tomorrow, what if something happened? Before today, the last words I said to her was an email telling her to stop forwarding emails from the Selective Service because she thought they were scholarships.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Physical vs. Emotional Intimacy
This quarter, I'm taking a class called Love as a Force for Social Justice, and it's making me think critically about what it means to be "in love," different types of love, and how love is expressed more than I ever had. This'll mostly just be a collection of scattered thoughts I've had in the past couple of weeks.
First and foremost and actually totally unrelated to love, my dad needs to fucking stop sending me emails asking me to add him on Facebook. The reason I'm so desperately looking for a job or internship over the school year and summer is because I can't wait to be financially independent and not have to depend on his ass to help with tuition. I've gotten to a point where I've wondered if it's possible to get a restraining order on a family member. A quick Google search said yes, it is.
Now then, love. (Because that paragraph wasn't.)
In my Love class, we read an article about types of love. In a nutshell, the article classified six different types of love:
While S- pointed out that the article clearly gave preference to storgic love, I nevertheless felt that it was reasonably fair towards the other types of love, and I still prefer storgic love to the others. What I want out of a romantic relationship is not financial security, or the thrill of "conquering" a romantic partner by winning their heart. I want to establish a deep, meaningful connection.
The first assignment in my Love class was to define "love," or explain why it couldn't be defined. While it was extremely open-ended and more or less ended up being a lot of students just sharing their thoughts on what love is, there were two ideas that particularly stood out to me.
First, one student defined love as a region on the high end of a continuum of how much you care for someone. On one end is total indifference, and then maybe 70% of the way up you've reached the part of the spectrum that contains your friends, and then maybe the top 5% are things or people you love. That makes sense to me; it doesn't strictly define what love is, but provides an operationalization of love such that you can sort of quantify love, or compare two things against each other and determine which you love more or less.
Second, one student suggested that you cannot be in love without leaving yourself vulnerable. To be in love is to fully put your emotional well-being into the hands of your love object, and trusting that they will not only do no harm, but might actually improve your emotional state.
In the context of those two ideas, I can elaborate on what I mean by a "deep, meaningful connection." I want this connection to be made between me, in my most honest and thus most vulnerable state, and my partner's most honest and thus most vulnerable state. When you meet someone, you don't just tell them anything; only after becoming close and building trust do you start to divulge more personal details about your life. That explains why I struggle with falling for people I don't know well, and believe I need to be close friends with someone before I can begin to consider them a possible romantic partner. What good is an emotional connection between the person you are when your walls are still up you're still on guard with anyone else? You need to have made the step to reveal everything about you first.
So if this is so straightforward, what is up with society that has obscured this clarity?
I had a pretty heated conversation with S- today wherein she told me that, as far as romantic endeavors are concerned, I'm essentially a middle school student because (spoiler alert) I've never been kissed on the lips. At first, I was pretty offended. Who was she to evaluate on my behalf how meaningful my past relationships are? Who was she to tell me that, because I didn't slobber all over my past girlfriends, my relationships were meaningless? I'm convinced I've grown more as a person and learned more on how to partake in the miracle that is human-to-human interaction, including romance, from my relationships in middle school than many adults have.
But then I realized the underlying meaning that S-'s contempt carried: our society measures relationship success by physical intimacy, more specifically making out and sexual activity.
The ultimate end result of romantic relationships (in the western, American culture that I'm familiar with anyway) is to find "the one," the person you're meant to be with for the rest of your life and live happily ever after with, basically. As discussed earlier, that person is the partner with whom you have that ridiculously strong emotional connection to. In that process of building that emotional connection, it is common that you will do something physical, like making out or having sex. That does not mean that physical intimacy causes emotional intimacy/you to find "the one". There is a correlation, not causation.
Physical intimacy in cases where emotional intimacy is also present can simply be one of many ways to communicate passion. It is no different than giving flowers, or serenading, or making breakfast in bed, or holding hands, or cuddling on a couch watching a movie, yet it is blown so wildly out of proportion by popular culture.
And what is with "Facebook official" and being able/the right to use to phrase "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" to describe your romantic partner? While certainly some people see being in a relationship as a thing of pride and a thing to gloat about, I know plenty of couples in relationships that are not, say, Facebook official. In those cases, the purest way to think about it is that officiation is also a way to communicate passion. Homosexual couples have been living together for decades, yet the fact that they can get a marriage license with their names on it now is such a strong, symbolic milestone in their relationship (just like with any other marriage, I might add). It strengthens that emotional connection that we all, in theory, seek to make.
The obfuscation of relationship success by society, then, is because a relationship, perhaps back in the mid-20th century, would only reach a stage of physical intimacy after the emotional connection is established, and thus physical intimacy was associated with relationship success. However, in today's society where those in my parents' and grandparents' generation look and shake their head at my generation's liberal, gratuitous relinquishment of lip (and other) virginity, that is no longer the case. Relationships that are founded on physical intimacy, with or without emotional intimacy, are a thing in today's culture. (Especially because Hollywood says so.)
It seems to boil down to whether physical versus emotional intimacy comes first. I certainly prefer establishing an emotional intimacy first; physical intimacy is something that comes after the emotional connection is made. Unfortunately, emotional intimacy is less obvious or visible, and I think this might be why measures of physical intimacy (e.g. kissing, sex) are more often viewed as benchmarks for evaluating the development of a relationship. It might also explain cultural phenomenons like the friend zone and being led on, when the two involved parties see different levels of emotional intimacy.
Holy shit this was a long post.
First and foremost and actually totally unrelated to love, my dad needs to fucking stop sending me emails asking me to add him on Facebook. The reason I'm so desperately looking for a job or internship over the school year and summer is because I can't wait to be financially independent and not have to depend on his ass to help with tuition. I've gotten to a point where I've wondered if it's possible to get a restraining order on a family member. A quick Google search said yes, it is.
Now then, love. (Because that paragraph wasn't.)
In my Love class, we read an article about types of love. In a nutshell, the article classified six different types of love:
- Storgic love: founded on rapport, interdependency, and mutual need fulfillment. Good friends who have grown in intimacy, appreciate even mundane activities with each other, does not have a "falling in love" phase but rather realizes it after some time. Temporary separations are manageable due to mutual trust. Very similar to siblings.
- Agapic love: Centered around selfless devotion to the partner. Will put him or herself through various pains for the good of the object of his or her affection. There is no "falling in love" in the sense that their happiness is derived from a love object accepting the affection or love they're always willing to give.
- Manic love: Characterized by obsession with love object, sometimes beyond rationality. Jealousy and manipulation can be common, and separation is difficult. Usually very anxious/reflective about what can/did go wrong in a relationship. Can be associated with low self-esteem.
- Pragmatic love: Love based on investment of self. They assist the loved one in fulfilling each other's potentials, but is very business-like in the motivations. For instance, a pragmatic lover might think about compatability, future family size, financial security, and education all in context of how the relationship will affect it. Sex is not unwelcome, but might be done, for instance, to relieve sexual tension and sleep better rather than for physical pleasure.
- Ludic love: Love is like a sport, and the compatibility of partners is centered around how well the partners satisfy his or her wants. Love is like a challenge, and self-fulfillment is had when he or she is successful; partners are like conquests. Love affairs are considered natural.
- Erotic love: Extremely romantic, usually monogamous, incredibly explosive and escalates quickly. Usually very idealistic, risks that might harm the relationship are not afforded. Certainty in reciprocation is absolute, and partners rarely spend time apart. Physical intimacy happens early, and displays of passion are varied and frequent. Usually more common in people who have had a secure and happy childhood, especially those with happily married parents.
While S- pointed out that the article clearly gave preference to storgic love, I nevertheless felt that it was reasonably fair towards the other types of love, and I still prefer storgic love to the others. What I want out of a romantic relationship is not financial security, or the thrill of "conquering" a romantic partner by winning their heart. I want to establish a deep, meaningful connection.
The first assignment in my Love class was to define "love," or explain why it couldn't be defined. While it was extremely open-ended and more or less ended up being a lot of students just sharing their thoughts on what love is, there were two ideas that particularly stood out to me.
First, one student defined love as a region on the high end of a continuum of how much you care for someone. On one end is total indifference, and then maybe 70% of the way up you've reached the part of the spectrum that contains your friends, and then maybe the top 5% are things or people you love. That makes sense to me; it doesn't strictly define what love is, but provides an operationalization of love such that you can sort of quantify love, or compare two things against each other and determine which you love more or less.
Second, one student suggested that you cannot be in love without leaving yourself vulnerable. To be in love is to fully put your emotional well-being into the hands of your love object, and trusting that they will not only do no harm, but might actually improve your emotional state.
In the context of those two ideas, I can elaborate on what I mean by a "deep, meaningful connection." I want this connection to be made between me, in my most honest and thus most vulnerable state, and my partner's most honest and thus most vulnerable state. When you meet someone, you don't just tell them anything; only after becoming close and building trust do you start to divulge more personal details about your life. That explains why I struggle with falling for people I don't know well, and believe I need to be close friends with someone before I can begin to consider them a possible romantic partner. What good is an emotional connection between the person you are when your walls are still up you're still on guard with anyone else? You need to have made the step to reveal everything about you first.
So if this is so straightforward, what is up with society that has obscured this clarity?
I had a pretty heated conversation with S- today wherein she told me that, as far as romantic endeavors are concerned, I'm essentially a middle school student because (spoiler alert) I've never been kissed on the lips. At first, I was pretty offended. Who was she to evaluate on my behalf how meaningful my past relationships are? Who was she to tell me that, because I didn't slobber all over my past girlfriends, my relationships were meaningless? I'm convinced I've grown more as a person and learned more on how to partake in the miracle that is human-to-human interaction, including romance, from my relationships in middle school than many adults have.
But then I realized the underlying meaning that S-'s contempt carried: our society measures relationship success by physical intimacy, more specifically making out and sexual activity.
The ultimate end result of romantic relationships (in the western, American culture that I'm familiar with anyway) is to find "the one," the person you're meant to be with for the rest of your life and live happily ever after with, basically. As discussed earlier, that person is the partner with whom you have that ridiculously strong emotional connection to. In that process of building that emotional connection, it is common that you will do something physical, like making out or having sex. That does not mean that physical intimacy causes emotional intimacy/you to find "the one". There is a correlation, not causation.
Physical intimacy in cases where emotional intimacy is also present can simply be one of many ways to communicate passion. It is no different than giving flowers, or serenading, or making breakfast in bed, or holding hands, or cuddling on a couch watching a movie, yet it is blown so wildly out of proportion by popular culture.
And what is with "Facebook official" and being able/the right to use to phrase "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" to describe your romantic partner? While certainly some people see being in a relationship as a thing of pride and a thing to gloat about, I know plenty of couples in relationships that are not, say, Facebook official. In those cases, the purest way to think about it is that officiation is also a way to communicate passion. Homosexual couples have been living together for decades, yet the fact that they can get a marriage license with their names on it now is such a strong, symbolic milestone in their relationship (just like with any other marriage, I might add). It strengthens that emotional connection that we all, in theory, seek to make.
The obfuscation of relationship success by society, then, is because a relationship, perhaps back in the mid-20th century, would only reach a stage of physical intimacy after the emotional connection is established, and thus physical intimacy was associated with relationship success. However, in today's society where those in my parents' and grandparents' generation look and shake their head at my generation's liberal, gratuitous relinquishment of lip (and other) virginity, that is no longer the case. Relationships that are founded on physical intimacy, with or without emotional intimacy, are a thing in today's culture. (Especially because Hollywood says so.)
It seems to boil down to whether physical versus emotional intimacy comes first. I certainly prefer establishing an emotional intimacy first; physical intimacy is something that comes after the emotional connection is made. Unfortunately, emotional intimacy is less obvious or visible, and I think this might be why measures of physical intimacy (e.g. kissing, sex) are more often viewed as benchmarks for evaluating the development of a relationship. It might also explain cultural phenomenons like the friend zone and being led on, when the two involved parties see different levels of emotional intimacy.
Holy shit this was a long post.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Dad's Postcard and Care Package
My dad insisted on driving me to the airport, just like he insisted on dropping me off at Stanford before the school year started. He's back from his business trip to China (perhaps "business trip" to "China") now. He gave me a postcard with a penguin on a polar bear that, in a nutshell, said:
It made me sad to see you and your sister fight.
The divorce will be legally processed by the end of the month, and afterwards I will be going overseas and who knows what your mom will be doing. Both of us are in poor physical health. For all you know, the two of you might be the closest family either of you have shortly. You guys should get along.
I have one New Years' wish. I wish you guys would add me on Facebook. You guys are 18 now, I'm not trying to control your life. Please add me so I can know how you guys are doing.
Know that your mom and I will always love you very very much. You can always talk to us about anything.
Love, Dad 1/5/12
And my thoughts about it? Fuck you dad. It makes you SAD to see us fight? Boo frickin hoo. How do you think it makes us feel when you and mom fight, hmm? Both of you are in poor physical health? Maybe if you and mom stayed together, lived together, and looked out for each other like you had for the 16 years before my junior year, like my mom did for you when she saved your life in Michigan. And don't you use Facebook friendship as a starting point for repairing the damaged father-child relationship. If you want to get on better terms with us, you better talk to us, face to face, and tell us honestly everything you've done for the past two years, like we've beckoned you to do on numerous occasions. Maybe then we'll start to open up to you and trust you again. It's hard to give you the benefit of the doubt on anything when you've cheated on mom. It sounds resentful, but it will take much more effort than social networking to set you on the right path again. I don't like holding grudges, but I feel justified, for myself and for mom, in holding this grudge.
~~~~~~~~~~
Today was my second day back to Stanford after winter break and first day of winter quarter. I spent the majority of my day upstairs in K-, K-, and L-'s room, and some time in those hours they had sneaked together, put all of their stuff in a box, packaged it, wrote a meaningful note on origami paper and folded it into a flower, and delivered it to the doorstep of my room. And at midnight, they misled me into thinking they wanted to watch How I Met Your Mother so I'd go downstairs to get my hard drive, and I found it at my doorstep.
At first I had no idea what it was, and I asked my roommate about it, and he didn't say a word about it. He just shrugged even though he knew who was behind it. Very thorough planning on the part of K-, the deliverer. It was addressed to "Larry Lewis Liu" so I was able to narrow it down to a few people who knew about the middle name that K-'s friends gave to me.
I took it upstairs to try to find L-, who I thought was behind it because he said he had a present for me, but to my surprise, there were like 8 people in my RA S-'s room. At that point, I knew whatever was up was a bit bigger scale than I expected. I opened it, and the cardboard flap that opened up from the top the box said "CARE PACKAGE :)"
Turns out, over break, eleven of my dormmates had collaborated and decided they'd each bring me something that represented where they were from. From snacks, to soap, to homemade desserts, to magnets, to a hat (that is arriving in the actual mail soon!), to a book by an author I enjoy. There was a card written in an origami flower that L- folded, in which they each wrote an adjective or descriptive phrase they liked about me. I was speechless. I managed to choke back tears long enough to give everyone a hug and then excuse myself and leave under the guise of bringing the box back downstairs.
I have never felt so warm and loved before. It's an incredible feeling. And they couldn't have given it to me at a time when I needed it more. I was at an emotional low after cleaning out my room in preparation for selling our house, going over divorce paperwork with my mom, and my dad's postcard in the last few days of break. My last class of the day was a lecture for a class titled Love as a Force for Social Change, and as interested as I am in the class material for the sake of acquiring knowledge and education, all the anecdotes that the professor and students shared about how love has manifested itself in their lives only made me miserable because I did not have anything to share that was remotely as cherished as my colleagues cherished theirs.
I could not have asked for a better cohort of dormmates. No matter what happens, I will treasure for forever the past five months I've spent with them and the six to come.
It made me sad to see you and your sister fight.
The divorce will be legally processed by the end of the month, and afterwards I will be going overseas and who knows what your mom will be doing. Both of us are in poor physical health. For all you know, the two of you might be the closest family either of you have shortly. You guys should get along.
I have one New Years' wish. I wish you guys would add me on Facebook. You guys are 18 now, I'm not trying to control your life. Please add me so I can know how you guys are doing.
Know that your mom and I will always love you very very much. You can always talk to us about anything.
Love, Dad 1/5/12
And my thoughts about it? Fuck you dad. It makes you SAD to see us fight? Boo frickin hoo. How do you think it makes us feel when you and mom fight, hmm? Both of you are in poor physical health? Maybe if you and mom stayed together, lived together, and looked out for each other like you had for the 16 years before my junior year, like my mom did for you when she saved your life in Michigan. And don't you use Facebook friendship as a starting point for repairing the damaged father-child relationship. If you want to get on better terms with us, you better talk to us, face to face, and tell us honestly everything you've done for the past two years, like we've beckoned you to do on numerous occasions. Maybe then we'll start to open up to you and trust you again. It's hard to give you the benefit of the doubt on anything when you've cheated on mom. It sounds resentful, but it will take much more effort than social networking to set you on the right path again. I don't like holding grudges, but I feel justified, for myself and for mom, in holding this grudge.
~~~~~~~~~~
Today was my second day back to Stanford after winter break and first day of winter quarter. I spent the majority of my day upstairs in K-, K-, and L-'s room, and some time in those hours they had sneaked together, put all of their stuff in a box, packaged it, wrote a meaningful note on origami paper and folded it into a flower, and delivered it to the doorstep of my room. And at midnight, they misled me into thinking they wanted to watch How I Met Your Mother so I'd go downstairs to get my hard drive, and I found it at my doorstep.
At first I had no idea what it was, and I asked my roommate about it, and he didn't say a word about it. He just shrugged even though he knew who was behind it. Very thorough planning on the part of K-, the deliverer. It was addressed to "Larry Lewis Liu" so I was able to narrow it down to a few people who knew about the middle name that K-'s friends gave to me.
I took it upstairs to try to find L-, who I thought was behind it because he said he had a present for me, but to my surprise, there were like 8 people in my RA S-'s room. At that point, I knew whatever was up was a bit bigger scale than I expected. I opened it, and the cardboard flap that opened up from the top the box said "CARE PACKAGE :)"
Turns out, over break, eleven of my dormmates had collaborated and decided they'd each bring me something that represented where they were from. From snacks, to soap, to homemade desserts, to magnets, to a hat (that is arriving in the actual mail soon!), to a book by an author I enjoy. There was a card written in an origami flower that L- folded, in which they each wrote an adjective or descriptive phrase they liked about me. I was speechless. I managed to choke back tears long enough to give everyone a hug and then excuse myself and leave under the guise of bringing the box back downstairs.
I have never felt so warm and loved before. It's an incredible feeling. And they couldn't have given it to me at a time when I needed it more. I was at an emotional low after cleaning out my room in preparation for selling our house, going over divorce paperwork with my mom, and my dad's postcard in the last few days of break. My last class of the day was a lecture for a class titled Love as a Force for Social Change, and as interested as I am in the class material for the sake of acquiring knowledge and education, all the anecdotes that the professor and students shared about how love has manifested itself in their lives only made me miserable because I did not have anything to share that was remotely as cherished as my colleagues cherished theirs.
I could not have asked for a better cohort of dormmates. No matter what happens, I will treasure for forever the past five months I've spent with them and the six to come.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Thoughts on the friend zone
I was talking to K- when we were both having trouble falling asleep, and we got to talking about the mythical friend zone and its implications.
I don't really believe in the friend zone as the relationship purgatory from which there is no escape. The way I see it, most people consider the friend zone an arrival destination, that when there is a potential relationship, something goes wrong and you end up in the friend zone. However, I see it as a point of departure. Most of the time, it never does depart, and that's why it seems like an endpoint, but if it does take off, the relationship is so full of the purest type of romance--that which develops out of a friendship.
Rereading that, it sounds pretty cheesy, but I subscribe to it nevertheless. I think the literal meanings of these two webcomics (ignoring possible sarcastic, satirical subtexts of both), from Abstruse Goose and xkcd respectively, sum up the two different arguments about the friend zone pretty well.
At any rate, Happy New Years everyone! Hope 2013 will be great!
I don't really believe in the friend zone as the relationship purgatory from which there is no escape. The way I see it, most people consider the friend zone an arrival destination, that when there is a potential relationship, something goes wrong and you end up in the friend zone. However, I see it as a point of departure. Most of the time, it never does depart, and that's why it seems like an endpoint, but if it does take off, the relationship is so full of the purest type of romance--that which develops out of a friendship.
Rereading that, it sounds pretty cheesy, but I subscribe to it nevertheless. I think the literal meanings of these two webcomics (ignoring possible sarcastic, satirical subtexts of both), from Abstruse Goose and xkcd respectively, sum up the two different arguments about the friend zone pretty well.
At any rate, Happy New Years everyone! Hope 2013 will be great!
OR
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Update on Christmas!
My mom apparently urged my sister to get me a gift for Christmas or something, so today I got a slip of paper that says "Rain Check, present still in transit" because she ordered it online in the past couple of days.
Happy fucking holidays to everyone!
I'm going to go watch Love Actually now after my HIMYM season 1 marathon and just think about how badly I wish if my love life were a gooey romantic comedy we'd be at the 2 hour mark where everyone finds closure in a grand way or not, like over Skype, not the 1 hour mark where hearts are longing and things are left unsaid. Fuck I think I have like 5 ovaries churning out estrogen.
Happy fucking holidays to everyone!
I'm going to go watch Love Actually now after my HIMYM season 1 marathon and just think about how badly I wish if my love life were a gooey romantic comedy we'd be at the 2 hour mark where everyone finds closure in a grand way or not, like over Skype, not the 1 hour mark where hearts are longing and things are left unsaid. Fuck I think I have like 5 ovaries churning out estrogen.
Cheers! Oh oops nope just kidding.
So today eating Christmas Eve dinner with my mom and sister (dad once again somewhere in Asia on a business trip, suspiciously over the holidays again), my mom had proposed a toast. I had first clinked glasses with my mom, and then I kept it raised towards my sister. She looked at me and just drank.
I was going to write a card and wrap the Christmas present I had bought for her towards the end of this past summer, but you know I'm honestly not feeling the holiday cheer. We don't even have a tree set up (it's in our garage too) and we're using this potted plant as a stand-in.
Good grief I despise coming here. Can't wait to go back home. Note to self: look into that summer psychology program.
I was going to write a card and wrap the Christmas present I had bought for her towards the end of this past summer, but you know I'm honestly not feeling the holiday cheer. We don't even have a tree set up (it's in our garage too) and we're using this potted plant as a stand-in.
Good grief I despise coming here. Can't wait to go back home. Note to self: look into that summer psychology program.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Dinner with dad
Well, first off you know something's wrong with your family when eating a non-holiday meal together needs to be scheduled a week beforehand.
Next, nothing dramatic changed between my dad and I since I started college. Collectively, my immediate family is remarkably terrible at holding a conversation. The dialogue between my dad and I was very matter-of-fact and short-lived.
On the other hand, my sister threw a fucking tantrum in the public restaurant. She was crying by the time we paid and left. And why? She didn't want me to get a new phone carrier. First, why is that any of her business? Second, why not? Because then my parents will actually be able to contact me? I'm personally convinced she doesn't want me to switch to a family plan because it'll save me money to pay for my proportion of a family plan because we pay for our phone bills by ourselves, yet she refuses to be on a family plan with my dad because she hates him.
At any rate, she kept spouting bullshit and making false claims until my mom, dad, and I all told her she was lying through her teeth about what all of us had said, at which point she just cried. So then we left the restaurant. When we got to the car, she just stood demandingly next to the shotgun door and my mom asked her why she was sitting in the front, to which she replied, yelling, that she didn't want to sit next to me in the back seats.
In fact, last night, I was grading the FPS packets for PPII because I have to get them to my boss by next weekish, and she took the power cord to the household internet modem because she thought I was going to be too loud and she wouldn't be able to sleep. Who the hell does she think she is? In what universe does she get to dictate what I can do at what hour? And she can't sleep when there's a closet and two walls between the room I was in and hers? She is like an actual manifestation of the first-world problem girl. She thinks she is entitled to everything. I know I told my mom there's no way I'd abandon her if she comes to me in need of financial assistance a couple decades down the line because she wasted her time in high school and college, but she is really testing me right now.
If my mom and sister arguing and my fairly indifferent dad is all I come home to, I think I'd be willing to consider just straight up staying in California whether or not I get a summer job, internship, or research position. I can't stand it here.
Next, nothing dramatic changed between my dad and I since I started college. Collectively, my immediate family is remarkably terrible at holding a conversation. The dialogue between my dad and I was very matter-of-fact and short-lived.
On the other hand, my sister threw a fucking tantrum in the public restaurant. She was crying by the time we paid and left. And why? She didn't want me to get a new phone carrier. First, why is that any of her business? Second, why not? Because then my parents will actually be able to contact me? I'm personally convinced she doesn't want me to switch to a family plan because it'll save me money to pay for my proportion of a family plan because we pay for our phone bills by ourselves, yet she refuses to be on a family plan with my dad because she hates him.
At any rate, she kept spouting bullshit and making false claims until my mom, dad, and I all told her she was lying through her teeth about what all of us had said, at which point she just cried. So then we left the restaurant. When we got to the car, she just stood demandingly next to the shotgun door and my mom asked her why she was sitting in the front, to which she replied, yelling, that she didn't want to sit next to me in the back seats.
In fact, last night, I was grading the FPS packets for PPII because I have to get them to my boss by next weekish, and she took the power cord to the household internet modem because she thought I was going to be too loud and she wouldn't be able to sleep. Who the hell does she think she is? In what universe does she get to dictate what I can do at what hour? And she can't sleep when there's a closet and two walls between the room I was in and hers? She is like an actual manifestation of the first-world problem girl. She thinks she is entitled to everything. I know I told my mom there's no way I'd abandon her if she comes to me in need of financial assistance a couple decades down the line because she wasted her time in high school and college, but she is really testing me right now.
If my mom and sister arguing and my fairly indifferent dad is all I come home to, I think I'd be willing to consider just straight up staying in California whether or not I get a summer job, internship, or research position. I can't stand it here.
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